Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
