Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
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If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize