Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
