hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
