dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
