Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize