Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
two words...techno handjob
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
