and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
