I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
