very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
