dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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