she smelled like a LAN party
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
