Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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