at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
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I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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