I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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