Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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