I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
