Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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