in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
And then he peed in my hair
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