dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!