Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't