Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.