Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
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Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
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Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets