i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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