My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
