I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
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I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
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You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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