; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
