Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
