I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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