We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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