and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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