you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
