I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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