She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
The beer is more important than you right now.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
