OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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