I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
