My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
