Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
