Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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