the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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