Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
