Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
