just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
