oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
