Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
