Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
