Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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