hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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