i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
