I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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