you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
