I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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