I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
what day is it and did you see me today?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
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