you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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