i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
