I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
