Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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