she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
