I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
