There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
