12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I would fuck him just for his dog
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
